So even though I didn't post any earlier pictures of myself, this is me after a loss of 15 POUNDS on The Dukan Diet!!!
I look like a thinner Santa Claus and with a little a' Francais dark swagger on account of the beanie and the leather coat. I'm getting all Europa see?? They hide it in the pork chops.
Well the fact of the matter is this my growing legion of Dukan Diet devotees:
Into every good dieters life there must needs be the crisis of conscience, the bifurcation in the roads heading to Goodville and Evilburg, the point you look at what you're doing and you think to yourself: "Seriously? Another slice of pot roast? Ohhhh freaking goody! But what is this now? No pot roast? To hell you say...another blasted egg and steak omelette? Ummm hey, you know what? Le F*CK THIS!!!!!"
At the sunrises of Day #3 & Day #4 on Le Diet Dukan my fever for the flavor of all proteins - steaks of distinction, pot roasts of passion, hams from heaven, culinary cutlets or god save us another helping of fuc*king imitation crab legs - was all but completely extinguished.
As I went into the kitchen on those mornings I really didn't know how to proceed. The thought of cooking up egg whites or some other kinda whatever...goddamn SteakUms (TM) or something was enough to steal my entire appetite away. Given the option of another morsel of meat or nothing at all and coffee, I was leaning toward a glass of ice water.
Let's put it this way:
If my appetite were like say...I dunno a person. NO! Make that three people actually....yeah, three people in a crappy boat, Martha's Vineyard, 1977. Yeah that's the visual I'm looking for. Much better.
Well if my appetite were that, by now those three people would be Quint, Mister Hooper and Chief Brody. Chief Brody accompanied by Mister Hooper would be over there on the foredeck eating Doritos, chili con queso, maki sushi, drinking carb heavy Japanese beers like Asahi and well.....I?
I would be Quint, the old sea salt. Only by now I'd be FRENCH Quint...Le Quint. And Le Quint (metaphorically, it's really my appetite) Le Quint would be out in the back of the boat in the cheap seats looking out at - and then ultimately getting mowed alive by - some enormous, powerful shark that looks suspiciously like a red dyed spear of imitation crab.
Le Quint is on The Dukan Diet see? He hasn't eaten anything but protein so he isn't "hongry" but he is hollow eyed, ragged and thinning out. But "hongry" he is not. That's the magic of The Dukan Diet.
Anyway in this appetite suppressant of a vision instead of being called Jaws our crab leg killer is called Le Surimi!!!! (with the extra exclamation points to make it all weird, dark and French.)
In the following dramatization you have to use your imagination - the shark actually looks like a shark here and not a processed fake crab leg. Also Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider aren't out in the front of the boat eating Doritos.
But you get the point.
The guy - Le Quint - getting eaten there is a really good dramatization of Day #1 on The Dukan Diet actually. All that screaming and hollerin' and stuff is pretty much what it feels like to go pure protein initially. Kinda huge shocker to the system. The only difference I'd add is that I'd probably have him reaching for a toilet bowl brush about halfway though being devoured. That shark is in for a BIG aftertaste surprise!!!!
Anyhow "Le clip" there may seem a little gory to some folks but let's face it. I haven't eaten so much as one green pea in four days. It's Day #4 on The Dukan Diet and I now sharpen my incisors with a metal file before I brush my teeth in the morning.
So basically breakfast has become either an egg white with some kinda meat OR fat free cottage cheese. Prior to this I would have considered fat free cottage cheese about as desirable as a colonoscopy-a-day-for-a year but in the case of The Dukan Diet??? Man that stuff is just like a delicacy! Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby runs a distant second on the decadence meter lately. This diet will get you all screwed up. But you can probably save a fortune taking your kids out for a tub of cottage cheese next summer when the ice cream joints re-open. Word to the wise on that one.
I drink some ice water and a cup of coffee and slice a piece of steak off a cold slab of meat from the refrigerator.
This diet is CRAZY. After four days on The Dukan Diet I am experiencing dramatic swings of mood and energy - I'm no longer starving but I am having longer than fleeting periods of EUPHORIA.
I'm not sh*tting. I'm starting to get what Steve Jobs was on about all that time when he was doing fasts to induce weird states of creative energy and deep mysticism. Hell just like his thoughts on, I dunno...the iPod?? Brilliant! Why do people eat vegetables when there's all this Meat and Nirvana (TM). I can kinda beg off every salad in the world if I'm gonna be feeling like this!
Now on to some Dukan Diet notes:
I'm horny as hell about half the day at this point. Even completely horrid looking women in the supermarket look absolutely sublime to me now. Every moment of every day is like closing time at a country bar - there's nothing but beauty everywhere you look. Old sea hags look like Katy Perry - it's AWESOME!!! I'm deep into The Dukan Diet so could I say no to any woman these days? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
So knowing this is a Dukan Diet side effect I have one question: You think you could so much as force me eat even one spear of a carbohydrate assassin buzzkiller like asparagus? Blech.
Never my love.
I'm on a 60's love trip baby. I'm a pure protein rocket. Beyond the gates of carbohydrate lies the sweet spot......trust me.
Now pass those delicious imitation crab legs, will ya' Love Muffin??
So for dinner both days I decided to go with this, which I know isn't even on the diet but what the hell it's nothing but protein and I figured by this point if it's meat then you can pretty much guarantee that it's protein. I suppose the fats and nitrites are bad for you but when you really get into this thing you almost don't care about nuances like that.
Like I said....this much raw meat is definitely inducing not just lower numbers on the scale but also a dramatically altered state of being. I mean who would have thought THIS (pictured below) could make you lose weight AND SIMULTANEOUSLY make you go around ready to hump on old ladies from the Town Senior Center while they're shuffling off the short bus as it arrives at its group hairdresser appointment????
Oh my.
So never-you-mind that pill with the people in the bathtubs my friends. There is a REAL aphrodisiac and it has been penned by a French GIANT known as Le Pierre Dukan and lies hidden under an off green cover in your local public library.
And THIS is what you eat to get that altered state of thin, that never ending summer of permanent horniness :
Yes. Those are Angus hot dogs served on a bed of ketchup and drizzled with a demi glaze of yellow mustard. Ahhhhhhhhh.
Listen I know hot dogs aren't good for you... I know that. But was THIS good for the hippies????
Methinks not.
I'm on Day #4 of The Dukan Diet.
Keep your hands off my stash of steaks dude.
So yes you wonder what the scale has said. I lost a half pound on each day for a total then of TEN POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS.
I'm ten pounds thinner, hornier than a sailor on shore leave, the hunger for...well FOODS has left me completely and I'm ready to look on Expedia for a flight to the Charles DeGaulle Airport. That's in gay Paris' my friend.
The All Protein Diary - Day 2 of Dukan Diet Fever!!
So just before I woke up on the morning of the second day on The Dukan Diet I swear with god as my witness I couldn't get Deep Forest's "Marta's Song" outta my fu*king head.
I haven't heard that song since I had bangs...and I'm bald. So we're talking at least two months. Alright screw you, like two decades. Whatever.
But Deep Forest? I mean what the hell is that all about anyway? I'm being serious right now. Let's face facts here - just one solitary day into this Dukan Diet and nothing is right in the space/time continuum. I been eating pot roasts and lean meats and all this sh*t - I even caught myself snacking on a fake crab leg as if that were some kinda treat. But what the HELL is this all about now??? Deep Forest?? I'm dreaming about Deep Forest??
For those of you unfamiliar with Deep Forest they're some kinda weird band that Granola People (TM) were tripping out on back in the dark days before Avatar came out to let us take our environmentalism in cartoon colors with 3D glasses on while chowing down on a bucket of extra butter popcorn.
Oh no, no, no, no....non mon amie. Far from that Deep Forest was the real deal. They were the kinda thing - along with patchouli oil and tie dyed peasant skirts - that a guy had to put up with if he had a taste for sexy Granola Chicks (TM) back in 1992.
Many is the fortyish man out there that had to endure Marta's Song or Freedom Cry scratching out on a cassette tape in the corner of the bedroom back in the day. Not his own bedroom mind you. It was the bedroom where "Fern" the Granola Chick (TM) with the intoxicating long blonde hair was perfecting the dual arts of growing arm pit hair and magical mushrooms.
This girl's forbidden bed chamber was constructed on some kinda purposely odd alchemy - Fern, the Granola Chick (TM) clearly preferred existing under a musky cloud of aromas not known to stink up somebody's tent since TheThree Wise Men(TM - Holy Roman Catholic Church of France) were dropping off Frankincense and Myrr to a little non bebe parlant francais appele Jesus.
Whatever. Since Fern was a NATURAL blonde, the unshaved leg hair had a tendency to be light and if you happened to eat any of her magical mushroom stash her golden armpit bushes could actually sing to you. Here's what they would sing:
RIGHT!!! OF COURSE Fern's armpits sang Deep Forest. What did you expect? You were trippin' out in a Granola Chick's (TM) MotherEarthArmpit bed chamber. If you think 1992 was all Nirvana and Pearl Jam guess again.
Fact is most 90's cool guys don't even remember Kurt Cobain. They were too busy trippin' out on some Granola Chick's (TM) catastrophic beauty and getting dragged around to some lame Renaissance Faire in Santa Fe to really care who smelled like Teen Spirit. Sheezus everybody had long hair like the guy in Tears for Fears when he was sowing the seeds of love. It was a huge mess...people were eating carbs. Disaster. Trust me.
Anyway you can already see damned well where this is going.
Deep Forest is a FRENCH BAND!!! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeezus!!!
All this pot roast is almost instantly taking its toll in me if I'm waking up with that in my head.
Wikipedia says this:
Deep Forest is a musical group consisting of two French musicians, Michel Sanchez and Eric Mouquet. They compose a style of world music, sometimes called ethnic electronica, mixing ethnic with electronic sounds and dance beats or chillout beats. Their sound has been described as an "ethno-introspective ambient world music."[2] They were nominated for a Grammy Award in 1994 for Best World Music Album,[3] and in 1995 they won the Award for the album Boheme. The group also became World Music Awards Winner - French group with the highest 1995 world sales. Their albums have sold over 10 million copies.
Wikipedia can kiss my royal Irish ass. Deep Forest may very well be an "ethno-introspective ambient world music band with chillout beats."
But I have my own addition to that.
Thanks in large part to The Dukan Diet, Deep Forest are now also known as: The Pot Roast Singers (from France)
Just be prepared my friends!
On Day #2 of The Dukan Diet the French will be fu*king with you more than they did the Nazis during the Occupation.
So for Day #2 breakfast I ate an egg and some water and some ham that I managed to swallow down with a cup of coffee. I even considered putting the ham IN the cup of coffee because normally I would have cream and sugar but now it's black and needs something. Meats seem to go with everything else on The Dukan Diet so I can see no reason why they wouldn't go with coffee.
I don't try it. But I definitely consider it. Ham & Coffee.
Not exactly Ham & Cheese but it sounds dark and badass and very French and if my kidneys don't konk out before I get there, I'll probably give it a whirl at some point. Maybe I'll grind the ham up in the....CuisineArt.
For lunch I eat a stick of imitation red dyed crab leg sh*t and I drink a TAB. I didn't even know that they made TAB anymore but I found it in the store and even the cans look the same as they did back in the 1970's so I buy a 12 pack of it. I normally drink Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi and I'm known to seek out soda fountains where I can mix the two in a giant cup but change is in the air!!!
Plus TAB is not made with Aspartame or NutraSweet or Splenda. TAB is made with a little carcinogen known as....wait for it.....
SACCHARINE! Now doesn't Saccharine sound French??? It sure does to me.
My friends here on Day #2 on The Dukan Diet the blood of Napoleon is beginning to flow in my veins.
I snack on some pot roast and feel the Little Emperor's power rising within me in the late afternoon. Curiously, I also feel like I'm running a low grade fever. No sh*t.
I honestly do start to feel like I'm on fire by the late afternoon on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet. I can't account for this aside the fact that I probably have ignited my metabolism to the point it's burning like all those oil fields were in Part 1 of the The Gulf War.
I eat some ham and wish it came with coffee.
Ham & Coffee. I write "Ham & Coffee" down on the back of a supermarket cash register receipt in case I die and slide it in my pocket. If I do die on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet at least somebody might profit from my big idea. That or the coroner might have a solid lead into my demise. I have a lot of BIG ideas on The Dukan Diet. This is probably because all my shitty American fat is incinerating before my eyes.
By dinner I don't give a f*ck about eating anymore so I drink some water, grab the bleach and the toilet brush and sit down with the new issue of Men's Health. Ashton Kutcher is on the cover with long hair and a beard. He looks like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp lives in Paris. All cool movie stars everywhere are turning French.
Anyway after leaving most of my insides behind and scrubbing the porcelain, I start to wonder if that Granola Chick (TM) Fern might have been way ahead of her time and was ON The Dukan Diet back in 1993? If so it could better explain the whole situation with the patchouli oils and all that stuff stinking up the joint.
If you go on this Dukan Diet you might consider a trip past Yankee Candle to see if they have anything scented. Heavily scented, crazy scented, like an open air market in Morocco or something. Then put that in your bathroom and keep it lit. Then keep the brush and bleach handy and you should be all good - for a couple of days anyway.
So yeah...you're wondering I know. What happened, right??
Well, the morning came and I showed and read a little bit more about that Ashton Kutcher situation and then I climbed back on the scale for another weigh in.
So it is the second day. And I have appropriately lost TWO POUNDS.
That makes now a total of NINE POUNDS in two days.
Day #3 awaits me, the smell of lean meats and egg whites conquering the AirWick in the bathroom...........
So I put the above pictures there so you can get a rough idea of the kinda sh*t you're gonna be looking at (and shortly thereafter be getting sick of) if you decide to embark on a "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) on the Dukan Diet. I used the term "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) because that's what they always say on The Biggest Loser. I'm sure that if Bob Harper (the head trainer on The BL) ever saw this diet he would be giving somebody a karate chop in the neck or whatever but let's face it - Bob Harper gets paid millions of dollars to transform morbidly obese Americans into the kinda people who can vacation in France.
Chances are very good that neither you or I are anywhere near that lucky...you know to get trained by millionaires or to be one? And we're definitely not already French or we wouldn't be in this dire predicament facing a tidal wave of protein. So do you just give up because you aren't French or a millionaire or famous or on NBC every Tuesday night? HELL NO! You throw health out the window and go for the gold! It's time to buckle down, people! Of COURSE this goddamn thing is unhealthy! It'll probably give you a heart attack. But it's European & French and it works and you wanna be sexy right?? Well then put that egg white in your pan and fry it.
I started out the first day with a lousy egg white omelet similar to the one you are looking at above. I tossed in some meat - ham or something, I can't remember - and Siracha hot sauce. The diet didn't say I could use that, but it didn't say I couldn't either. I'm Aquarian - I instantly start looking for ways to make even the already ridiculous even more so. So that was it. I also had coffee AND a Diet Coke. That part isn't especially unusual actually. I do that all the time even when I'm not on this thing.
Aquarian.
After breakfast I found myself circling around thinking about things that I might be able to eat. Expect this to happen almost immediately on The Dukan Diet. I call this phenomenon: "The Death of Reasoning." This is when your rational mind is just thinking about what you're doing and trying to mess with you so you'll stop doing it.
For example on a normal day if you just ate an omelette five minutes earlier you wouldn't immediately start thinking about "what else am I gonna eat??" Or would you? On this bullsh*t that's the first thought, the second thought and the third. The fourth thought is sex. Then it's back to: bagels and cream cheese, linguine with white clam, Pop Tarts, sex. After you cycle past Pop Tarts a few times you won't have to worry about sex as the fourth thought again.
The fourth thought then becomes steak and cheese sandwiches and bratwurst and maybe an amorphous, fleeing thought of a slutty business woman or something but nothing you could ever work with - the slut runs a catering business actually. Her specialty is hot kisses...Hershey's Kisses. And Boston Creme Pie. The horrid bitch - she makes me love her!
Don't give up after the first breakfast! Your mind is a wicked,wicked thing the first day on The Dukan Diet!! Just remember: at this point you're not remotely French! You're now an Uber-American, a participant in the Nathan's 4th of July Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest for crissakes. Resist!
For lunch there was some leftover pot roast, so I sliced into that and ate as much as I wanted. I didn't sit and eat it or take a lot of time thinking about it or anything. I just kinda slammed into it, drank some water and bolted...this suddenly became my strategy. I call this "Commando Eating." Don't forget - it was the French who got their asses handed to them in Vietnam before we ever even thought of it. I decided this was good karma....hit and run. Very French.
By the afternoon of Day #1, I have the thought that I should start smoking again, that I should buy a fuzzy parka at REI and move to Greenland for the winter and live in an igloo, that I should go for a run, that I should stop running, that I never ate as many sourdough pretzels as I could have, that there might still be time left here in my early 40's to become an astronaut or a professional surfer.
I snack on pot roast.
Ahhhhh. I think about the catering slut. She's pulling a red velvet cake from an industrial oven full of red velvet cakes. The smell is heavenly...nothing at all like a BBQ joint. Nothing at all like grilled chicken or egg whites or tilapia. She's pimping pure carbohydrate joy and right now I'm hers. Oh man! I try to think of something decidedly distasteful and American.
I try to conjure up railroad hobos. Instead I think of this:
Brilliant!! You should use this trick....it totally works!
I drank some water and went for a run and thought about Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon while listening to Elvis on the ipod. There were no thoughts of food at all in this time period nor did I think of the red cake catering vixen.
Instead when I got back I drank a lot of water and tried to think about nothing at all. Some luck. My stomach starts bitching like I was making it sit through a high school production of Les Miserables. I drank some more water and snacked on a little pot roast. Enduring such torture quietly makes me wonder if I should consider a living diving for sponges or some other horrible thing.
For dinner I had some kinda weird mix of those red dyed "seafood legs" or whatever they call them and also a chicken wing. I put the TV on some show or other but couldn't really focus on it at all.
Finally I took a couple of Benadryl and dove in bed hoping the damned day would just end already.
In the morning I showered and really incredulously mounted the scale. Earlier on morning of Day #2, I arose for a second not remembering that I had even done the Day #1 thing.
That was a nice moment. It left. I soon thought about how dry my mouth was and drank some more water.
Back on the scale I thought this will be a One Day Wonder project with no results and no reason to continue. I surely didn't feel any thinner.
And then I looked down.
Amazing.
"That CAN'T be right," I say to myself. I get off the scale and let it shut off. I get back on.
Same thing.
I have lost SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY. My 78 year old mother who has eaten some version of the same sh*t has lost FOUR POUNDS IN 24 HOURS.
So to tell you the truth I had never even heard of this damned thing The Dukan Diet before just now. But man I'm hearing all about it and nothing else these days. Oh you're not? I mean hearing about the diet? What do you live under a rock? You do? Well lucky, oh so lucky, for you because this blog right here is gonna lift that rock and change your life. I'm serious.
Okay that sounds a little over the top, but really. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway first things first. Hold your horses. Before you get all crazy and head over to Amazon to find The Dukan Diet first heed this advice: Don't rush out and buy this book just yet. Seriously. You don't wanna take a drive in this European import before you read this blog because in a major league feat of daring and derring-do I myself am about to GO ON THE DUKAN DIET!!!
I really am. And then I'll tell you all about it in more or less real time. I mean what more can you ask for? Seriously? Well whatever it is.....beyond going on this diet? You can't have it. C'mon, I don't even know you. I'm just sayin' that too. Let's get real.
I'd call this selfless act of full on protein insanity a public service but I'm not that clear headed right this moment. Know why?? Easy. That's because I'm actually already ON this crazy diet......and as I write these words right now I have to go and use the toilet.
Whoa! Be right back.
Wow. Okay, I'm back.
Fact #1: Get a toilet bowl brush when Dukaning.
So The Dukan Diet is this French thing which I'll get into in more detail in a second here. The thing you need to know right now is that this diet is tested and true and has been around forever. Or kinda like forever. Okay its been around like 9 years.
That's almost a decade. A decade? Really? That probably explains why I'm only just hearing about The Dukan Diet now though. I'm not on the cutting edge of sh*t like this - things take about a decade to germinate around here. U2 was in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before I even knew they existed. Well that's an overstatement. They were nominees. They hadn't technically been inducted yet.
Fact #2: Get a toilet cleaning emollient that contains bleach when Dukaning. No wait, check that - get straight bleach. And a chisel.
Anyway, the diet. That's what this is all about, right? That's why you're here? Yes.
So lets talk about it.
Word on the street is The Dukan Diet has been remarkably effective - which means its an exceptional way to torment and self-flagellate yourself in the name of weight loss which is frankly....AWESOME!!!
Tell me, who among us doesn't want to hear that it turns out can eat only pork chops in this life...and get that information for like $30 in one volume of a book? You may have no idea who doesn't wanna hear that news cause you haven't started this diet yet, but I know. Fools. Fools is who. Fools who don't know anything about anything. Fools who eat Oreos. Fools who do not know The Dukan Diet.
Pity the fools, as Mr. T would have said. Pity the fools. They are fat. They are weak. They have no willpower. They look lousy in power suits. They don't make much money. They are American, they buy supersize at WalMart and they are morbidly obese. Lo and behold the truth.
But I digress.
Fact #3: Only assholes eat things other than pure protein.
Here's some fun facts: The Dukan Diet has proven such an incredible way to torment yourself that Kate Middleton did it to get ready for her ROYAL WEDDING (TM) and now she's a PRINCESS (TM) so I'd call that a grand f*cking success. That's when you know you have a wicked awesome diet on your hands - when people start turning into f*cking PRINCESSES (TM) just by going on it. Not that I wanna be a PRINCE(TM) but I still consider that a major selling point. Just hearing about all that ROYAL (TM) stuff made me know I was definitely gonna go on The Dukan Diet as a big ol' experiment. That's totally European. Which means it's cool. I even think that U2 band is from Europe someplace. Google it or something.
Anyway. Listen up you future Dukanistas and assembling ROYALS (TM). I bring glad tidings.
Fact #4: The Dukan Diet will probably make you ROYALTY!!!! (TM)
We already know The Dukan Diet is a wicked effective diet if you happen to be from France or you're a Princess but you're also crazy fat. Thing is, I don't think too many Princesses or people in France can actually claim that....you know, being fat? But that's how this whole thing started. Fat princesses and some guy in France. I think some guy in France also came up with penicillin, so the deal is this:
When the world has a medical emergency it ultimately turns to some French guy.
Which is a little confusing.
Aren't they always telling us that the French eat crusty bread with deep, rich exotic butters? Don't they suck down Merlot like I drink Diet Coke Big Gulps? Aren't they the ones who couldn't give a shit about stress or the world's problems? They lured Johnny Depp in, right? Look at him now. He's all dark, dangerous and morose. Read: sexy. French sexy. Winona Ryder stayed in Los Angeles and became a kleptomaniac; Johnny Depp went to Paris a few decades ago and became a billionaire. Do the math.
The French are just as horrible as they are irresistibly sexy. There's a lesson there. Perhaps the Dukan Diet unlocks this previously bolted door. Consider it further.
Fact #5: The Dukan Diet will make you sexy. And French.
Isn't it required of every French citizen that they smoke filterless cigarettes? Maybe even roll their own? Aren't the French universally famous for looking all dark and disheveled while sitting outdoors at some cafe table in a leafless December while staring longingly at literally anything - but most especially at their smoking hot mistresses?? Isn't everything in France grayscale and barren and sexy? Hell isn't Paris itself a place the world set aside so illicit lovers could have a location for gazing into each others eyes?
YES! IT IS! But the lovers are always.....tragically thin! See?? Brilliant. You can just see them now on their none-too-clandestine hook up. They're male and female, in black & white except for their cherry red scarfs tied in a European knot. Uh
Follow the logic here. The French?
They have mistresses.
They smoke - probably even in bed with their mistresses, they smoke. Usually they smoke after having mind blowing sex on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. That's because they don't care about productivity or work. They care about mistresses & sex & smoking & being in LOVE.
They drink wine and black coffee like they're about to outlaw it - which here in America we pretty much have.
The French all look like Johnny Depp or Natalie Portman. They are dark and fashionable and they won't look at you. Unless they're f*cking you (and you are the mister or the mistress) and in that case it's only in very good, muted lighting where your skin looks like porcelain and your skinny ass is in black and white.
See any time they talk about the French they always sound like such remarkably beautiful assholes. The kind of people who bleach their bung hatch but also won't shave an armpit or shower regularly just to spite their equally fabulous neighbors.
It is ALL true. But yo! They are French. They. Are. Thin!!
THAT is the point here. Americans by contrast are lead asses. Everyone here is on their way to the motorized cart in WalMart. Everyone in Paris is either coming from or going to their lovers stark apartment in a $2000 size "S" gray wool peacoat and ascending the narrow stairwell two steps at a time. While smoking.
Oh sure, French folks are assholes. But they're thin. And this is 2012.
So the French win.
That's how I'm taking it. I suggest you do too.
Fact #6: The Dukan Diet will upload all 7 deadly sins into your pathetic obsessive American life. All 7 deadly, delicious, sexy, Parisian sins.
So here we go. The Dukan Diet.
My Mom told me about this friend of hers who she ran into in the supermarket and she says excitedly: "You know my friend Clarice? (Author's Note: names have been changed to protect the emaciated.)
I can tell by the way Mom says this that this random lady has lost a staggering amount of weight, that she is in fact WICKED THIN.
"The Dunkin Diet," Mom says. "That's what she's on." My mom is 78. She's cute. "She's wicked thin, Maaaaak. I'm gonna try it...so can you pull it up on my Kindle?"
I think about this.
I know my Mom's hearing isn't exactly great at 78 and people in New England are completely bent on Dunkin Donuts - but a Dunkin's Diet? Sheesus.
But then I start thinkin'. It's not far fetched...even makes sense. The idea that The Coffee and Donuts Only Diet could spring up outta Holbrook or Abington or Braintree is hardly shocking. It's practically been begging to happen. I mean everything is about making money these days. Wiping your ass could be profitable if you brand it right. Coffee and donuts?
There's a lot of Boston Teamsters that have been doin' that diet for years.
But after looking it up I realize this isn't The Dunkin Diet but The Dukan Diet. In two seconds here you're gonna thank me because I'm gonna save a tree and $30 worth of Barnes & Noble money for you. How? I'm gonna explain this diet to you free of charge.
Fact #7: No mattah how pissah it sounds, you caaaant lose weight eatin' Dunkins.
So remember back in whatever it was...the late 90's or something I guess? Remember how everybody was doing The Atkins Diet and going around eating bacon and pork rinds and every single person had the breath of a cheating girlfriend who just did the dashboard headbob on her lover before she came in the house??? Yeah THAT breath. That was a horrible diet. A horrible girlfriend too come to think of it.
Anyway on The Atkins Diet you had no problem figuring it out. You could eat any kind of protein there was - ham, steak, fish, clams....bacon. It wasn't exactly pleasant but it at least had the window dressing of being healthy. You couldn't eat bread or pasta or anything that went crunch in your mouth (aside pork rinds) but you were encouraged to eat veggies. So anyone who ever did this diet subsequently knows the insane cravings for say...asparagus...or dandelions growing along the driveway or the sweet taste of fresh mowed Kentucky Bluegrass on a public golf course.
This garden stuff wasn't exactly Nacho Cheese Doritos but when the cravings kicked in you at least had an outlet. Even so it wasn't long on Atkins before you started to feel like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" when he's going crazy to get inside a coconut for the water and the food. Later on he's emaciated and sick of coconuts. That was the principle of the diet. You'd get so sick of bacon you'd just stop eating it and suddenly a 1900 calorie a day diet became an 800 calorie a day diet. Theoretically this might work on a straight ahead Cape Cod Potato Chips Diet too. Anyhow it worked for Tom Hanks.
So now we covered that.
The Dukan Diet is even easier than that to explain. So easy in fact that I'm not even sure how it filled up two pages of text, let alone a book. To explain it, lets use The Atkins Diet experience as a watermark.
Okay remember the pork rinds on Atkins? Those were kinda tasty once you got used to the idea of eating deep fried salted pork flesh for amusement. Pork rinds...mmmmm. Smiling.
Yeah, well this is Dukan so forget that. No pork rinds.
Well anyway you must remember the bacon?? The whole house smelling like Cracker Barrel on a Saturday night? Mmmm-hmmm! Atkins did SOMETHING right! Yeah....but this is The Dukan Diet. And this is 2012 - we're at the Mayan end times and you're going on a French diet at the same time the Euro is going buh-bye.
No bacon.
Well you definitely remember the asparagus cravings and the midnight drives to get broccoli and smothering it in real butter??? Oh my the elegance of that, right?? Yeah well that was 1991 and Kurt Cobain was alive and you were probably a lot less.....gainly. Plus Atkins was American. Dukan's first name is Pierre. Right, you guessed it.
No butter.
Worse still??
No veggies either.
WTF?????? That's what you're screaming right?? If you can't eat any of those things then what CAN you eat???
Easy. You will eat meat. Oh and fish. Or chicken. Some eggs. You'll also drink water. There's this oat bran pancake thing but why complicate issues at this point? Fact of the matter is you'll be living on PURE PROTEIN.
That's The Dukan Diet.
In a couple days I'll tell you how I lost NINE POUNDS in a two days.......
"PULSE POUNDING, ENIGMATIC AND UBER-SEXY, KELLIHER HAS REIMAGINED THE X-FILES - EXCEPT NOW MULDER IS A JAMAICAN STEAMPUNKER, SCULLY IS A HIP AND SARCASTIC VIXEN IN FUNKY TIGHTS AND OUR HEROES HAVE MORE TO FIGHT WITH THAN FLASHLIGHTS AND PARANOIA. SIMPLY PUT? THE UNSLEEPERS IS AN INCREDIBLY COOL READ."
So it was almost exactly one year ago that Gary Sloane was unleashed on an unsuspecting world. Things went a heck of a lot better than anyone ever imagined and the small legion of fans Gary found - screwballs all, I'm sure - deserve special notice. Which, not coincidentally, they are going to get right now.
SOOOOO...for this week only THE NIMROD has an ANNIVERSARY COVER and is priced at a scant 99 Cents! See what you get at Starbucks for 99 cents! Not much. See what you get at the 99 Cent Store for 99 cents....again it ain't much. This really is 99 cents.
In addition to Gary, THE UNSLEEPERS is also gonna be at the promotional 99 Cents! Hell maybe I should throw in a chamois cloth too! Get in there and READ the new book! I'm counting on your continued support!!
Call me crazy but I never thought the Italian legal system was any damned good after I started looking into the conviction of Amanda Knox. Knox's trial wasn't the kind of sensationalistic event here that say Casey Anthony had been. But it should have been and for a lot of good reasons - not the least of which was that it was fairly obvious from the very beginning that this was an innocent woman.
They had the real murderer behind bars with his DNA at the scene. They had nothing whatsoever in the way of physical evidence against her. There was no "logical" reason she or her then boyfriend Raphael Solecito would have ever committed the murder of her roommate Meridith Kercher in the first place. By all accounts they were friends. At worst they were openly cordial.
What they DID have was a judge/prosecutor who said that he "could see it in her eyes that she did it."
Huh? Hello??? Are you serious?? I thought Italy was this charming land where all minds were somehow more enlightened. You know a place worthy of its reputation as a seat of intelligence, passionate romance and the Roman Empire.
Well it's also a country of mopeds. And Nutella. And judges worthy of a seat at the Salem Witch Trials.
They found some redemption today by letting Amanda go in the appeals courts.....after FOUR WASTED YEARS. It really does make you wonder how many innocent people are actually incarcerated for foolish reasons or on short logic and or even evidence.
It also makes you wonder how many clearly guilty people have walked a'la Casey Anthony.
And what of Casey? Was she innocent the day they let her out of that Florida prison??? Unlikely. Very, very shake-that-hot-body-while-your-kid-is-missing unlikely. But here we can make the same mistakes obviously. The difference being that in Italy it was over-zealous desire to see Knox in jail that got her in; in Orlando it was under-zealous jurors in a culture that will do anything not to pass judgement that set her free.
So that's a difference. But have a look at the similarities:
Amanda Knox is today 24 years old.
Casey Anthony is 25.
Amanda Knox, even on just her appeal was in court for years.
Casey Anthony by contrast had a relatively speedy processing.
Casey Anthony at her trial was staged - each day she looked more like a small town librarian.
Amanda Knox would be in street clothes, the court like a barn.
Amanda Knox had to repeatedly and passionately argue for herself - in a language she had to learn!
Casey Anthony never said a word, but gave plenty of facial expressions.
When acquitted, Amanda Knox nearly collapsed, her face drawn and her knees weak.
The day after Casey Anthony was acquitted, she appeared in court no longer the librarian but as a flirtatious siren.
This review is from: The Unsleepers (BK 1: Love Will Tear Us Apart) (Kindle Edition)
So I reiterate... What's your blood type..aaaa book type? I give this one an A positive. This is NOT you run of the mill vampire book. This is so much more!! The characters are alive...but... maybe not, the story flows with 5 main characters, each with a troubling past and with each twist and turn will keep you captivated. If you're looking for steamy vampire seduction...this one is smokin' hot!! I'm anxiously awaiting book 2!
