DAYS #3 and #4 - DUKAN DIET INSANITY RULES!

Well the fact of the matter is this my growing legion of Dukan Diet devotees:

Into every good dieters life there must needs be the crisis of conscience, the bifurcation in the roads heading to Goodville and Evilburg, the point you look at what you're doing and you think to yourself: "Seriously? Another slice of pot roast? Ohhhh freaking goody! But what is this now? No pot roast? To hell you say...another blasted egg and steak omelette? Ummm hey, you know what? Le F*CK THIS!!!!!"

At the sunrises of Day #3 & Day #4 on Le Diet Dukan my fever for the flavor of all proteins - steaks of distinction, pot roasts of passion, hams from heaven, culinary cutlets or god save us another helping of fuc*king imitation crab legs - was all but completely extinguished.

As I went into the kitchen on those mornings I really didn't know how to proceed. The thought of cooking up egg whites or some other kinda whatever...goddamn SteakUms (TM) or something was enough to steal my entire appetite away. Given the option of another morsel of meat or nothing at all and coffee, I was leaning toward a glass of ice water.

Let's put it this way:

If my appetite were like say...I dunno a person.  NO! Make that three people actually....yeah, three people in a crappy boat, Martha's Vineyard, 1977. Yeah that's the visual I'm looking for. Much better.

Well if my appetite were that, by now those three people would be Quint, Mister Hooper and Chief Brody. Chief Brody accompanied by Mister Hooper would be over there on the foredeck eating Doritos, chili con queso, maki sushi, drinking carb heavy Japanese beers like Asahi and well.....I?

I would be Quint, the old sea salt. Only by now I'd be FRENCH Quint...Le Quint. And Le Quint (metaphorically, it's really my appetite) Le Quint would be out in the back of the boat in the cheap seats looking out at - and then ultimately getting mowed alive by - some enormous, powerful shark that looks suspiciously like a red dyed spear of imitation crab.

Le Quint is on The Dukan Diet see? He hasn't eaten anything but protein so he isn't "hongry" but he is hollow eyed, ragged and thinning out. But "hongry" he is not. That's the magic of The Dukan Diet.

Anyway in this appetite suppressant of a vision instead of being called Jaws our crab leg killer is called Le Surimi!!!! (with the extra exclamation points to make it all weird, dark and French.)

In the following dramatization you have to use your imagination - the shark actually looks like a shark here and not a processed fake crab leg. Also Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider aren't out in the front of the boat eating Doritos.

But you get the point.

The guy - Le Quint - getting eaten there is a really good dramatization of Day #1 on The Dukan Diet actually. All that screaming and hollerin' and stuff is pretty much what it feels like to go pure protein initially. Kinda huge shocker to the system. The only difference I'd add is that I'd probably have him reaching for a toilet bowl brush about halfway though being devoured. That shark is in for a BIG aftertaste surprise!!!!

Anyhow "Le clip" there may seem a little gory to some folks but let's face it. I haven't eaten so much as one green pea in four days. It's Day #4 on The Dukan Diet and I now sharpen my incisors with a metal file before I brush my teeth in the morning.

So basically breakfast has become either an egg white with some kinda meat OR fat free cottage cheese. Prior to this I would have considered fat free cottage cheese about as desirable as a colonoscopy-a-day-for-a year but in the case of The Dukan Diet??? Man that stuff is just like a delicacy! Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby runs a distant second on the decadence meter lately. This diet will get you all screwed up. But you can probably save a fortune taking your kids out for a tub of cottage cheese next summer when the ice cream joints re-open. Word to the wise on that one.

I drink some ice water and a cup of coffee and slice a piece of steak off a cold slab of meat from the refrigerator.

This diet is CRAZY. After four days on The Dukan Diet I am experiencing dramatic swings of mood and energy - I'm no longer starving but I am having longer than fleeting periods of EUPHORIA.

I'm not sh*tting. I'm starting to get what Steve Jobs was on about all that time when he was doing fasts to induce weird states of creative energy and deep mysticism. Hell just like his thoughts on, I dunno...the iPod?? Brilliant! Why do people eat vegetables when there's all this Meat and Nirvana (TM). I can kinda beg off every salad in the world if I'm gonna be feeling like this!

Now on to some Dukan Diet notes:

I'm horny as hell about half the day at this point. Even completely horrid looking women in the supermarket look absolutely sublime to me now. Every moment of every day is like closing time at a country bar - there's nothing but beauty everywhere you look. Old sea hags look like Katy Perry - it's AWESOME!!! I'm deep into The Dukan Diet so could I say no to any woman these days? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

So knowing this is a Dukan Diet side effect I have one question: You think you could so much as force me eat even one spear of a carbohydrate assassin buzzkiller like asparagus? Blech.

Never my love.

I'm on a 60's love trip baby. I'm a pure protein rocket. Beyond the gates of carbohydrate lies the sweet spot......trust me. 


Now pass those delicious imitation crab legs, will ya' Love Muffin??


So for dinner both days I decided to go with this, which I know isn't even on the diet but what the hell it's nothing but protein and I figured by this point if it's meat then you can pretty much guarantee that it's protein. I suppose the fats and nitrites are bad for you but when you really get into this thing you almost don't care about nuances like that.

Like I said....this much raw meat is definitely inducing not just lower numbers on the scale but also a dramatically altered state of being.  I mean who would have thought THIS (pictured below) could make you lose weight AND SIMULTANEOUSLY make you go around ready to hump on old ladies from the Town Senior Center while they're shuffling off the short bus as it arrives at its group hairdresser appointment????

Oh my.

So never-you-mind that pill with the people in the bathtubs my friends. There is a REAL aphrodisiac and it has been penned by a French GIANT known as Le Pierre Dukan and lies hidden under an off green cover in your local public library.

And THIS is what you eat to get that altered state of thin, that never ending summer of permanent horniness :

Yes. Those are Angus hot dogs served on a bed of ketchup and drizzled with a demi glaze of yellow mustard.  Ahhhhhhhhh.

Listen I know hot dogs aren't good for you... I know that. But was THIS good for the hippies????

Methinks not.

I'm on Day #4 of The Dukan Diet.

Keep your hands off my stash of steaks dude.

So yes you wonder what the scale has said. I lost a half pound on each day for a total then of TEN POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS.

I'm ten pounds thinner, hornier than a sailor on shore leave, the hunger for...well FOODS has left me completely and I'm ready to look on Expedia for a flight to the Charles DeGaulle Airport. That's in gay Paris' my friend.

Day #5 of The Dukan Diet awaits...........