The All Protein Diary - Day 2 of Dukan Diet Fever!!
So just before I woke up on the morning of the second day on The Dukan Diet I swear with god as my witness I couldn't get Deep Forest's "Marta's Song" outta my fu*king head.
I haven't heard that song since I had bangs...and I'm bald. So we're talking at least two months. Alright screw you, like two decades. Whatever.
But Deep Forest? I mean what the hell is that all about anyway? I'm being serious right now. Let's face facts here - just one solitary day into this Dukan Diet and nothing is right in the space/time continuum. I been eating pot roasts and lean meats and all this sh*t - I even caught myself snacking on a fake crab leg as if that were some kinda treat. But what the HELL is this all about now??? Deep Forest?? I'm dreaming about Deep Forest??
For those of you unfamiliar with Deep Forest they're some kinda weird band that Granola People (TM) were tripping out on back in the dark days before Avatar came out to let us take our environmentalism in cartoon colors with 3D glasses on while chowing down on a bucket of extra butter popcorn.
Oh no, no, no, no....non mon amie. Far from that Deep Forest was the real deal. They were the kinda thing - along with patchouli oil and tie dyed peasant skirts - that a guy had to put up with if he had a taste for sexy Granola Chicks (TM) back in 1992.
Many is the fortyish man out there that had to endure Marta's Song or Freedom Cry scratching out on a cassette tape in the corner of the bedroom back in the day. Not his own bedroom mind you. It was the bedroom where "Fern" the Granola Chick (TM) with the intoxicating long blonde hair was perfecting the dual arts of growing arm pit hair and magical mushrooms.
This girl's forbidden bed chamber was constructed on some kinda purposely odd alchemy - Fern, the Granola Chick (TM) clearly preferred existing under a musky cloud of aromas not known to stink up somebody's tent since TheThree Wise Men(TM - Holy Roman Catholic Church of France) were dropping off Frankincense and Myrr to a little non bebe parlant francais appele Jesus.
Whatever. Since Fern was a NATURAL blonde, the unshaved leg hair had a tendency to be light and if you happened to eat any of her magical mushroom stash her golden armpit bushes could actually sing to you. Here's what they would sing:
RIGHT!!! OF COURSE Fern's armpits sang Deep Forest. What did you expect? You were trippin' out in a Granola Chick's (TM) MotherEarthArmpit bed chamber. If you think 1992 was all Nirvana and Pearl Jam guess again.
Fact is most 90's cool guys don't even remember Kurt Cobain. They were too busy trippin' out on some Granola Chick's (TM) catastrophic beauty and getting dragged around to some lame Renaissance Faire in Santa Fe to really care who smelled like Teen Spirit. Sheezus everybody had long hair like the guy in Tears for Fears when he was sowing the seeds of love. It was a huge mess...people were eating carbs. Disaster. Trust me.
Anyway you can already see damned well where this is going.
Deep Forest is a FRENCH BAND!!! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeezus!!!
All this pot roast is almost instantly taking its toll in me if I'm waking up with that in my head.
Wikipedia says this:
Deep Forest is a musical group consisting of two French musicians, Michel Sanchez and Eric Mouquet. They compose a style of world music, sometimes called ethnic electronica, mixing ethnic with electronic sounds and dance beats or chillout beats. Their sound has been described as an "ethno-introspective ambient world music."[2] They were nominated for a Grammy Award in 1994 for Best World Music Album,[3] and in 1995 they won the Award for the album Boheme. The group also became World Music Awards Winner - French group with the highest 1995 world sales. Their albums have sold over 10 million copies.
Wikipedia can kiss my royal Irish ass. Deep Forest may very well be an "ethno-introspective ambient world music band with chillout beats."
But I have my own addition to that.
Thanks in large part to The Dukan Diet, Deep Forest are now also known as: The Pot Roast Singers (from France)
Just be prepared my friends!
On Day #2 of The Dukan Diet the French will be fu*king with you more than they did the Nazis during the Occupation.
So for Day #2 breakfast I ate an egg and some water and some ham that I managed to swallow down with a cup of coffee. I even considered putting the ham IN the cup of coffee because normally I would have cream and sugar but now it's black and needs something. Meats seem to go with everything else on The Dukan Diet so I can see no reason why they wouldn't go with coffee.
I don't try it. But I definitely consider it. Ham & Coffee.
Not exactly Ham & Cheese but it sounds dark and badass and very French and if my kidneys don't konk out before I get there, I'll probably give it a whirl at some point. Maybe I'll grind the ham up in the....CuisineArt.
For lunch I eat a stick of imitation red dyed crab leg sh*t and I drink a TAB. I didn't even know that they made TAB anymore but I found it in the store and even the cans look the same as they did back in the 1970's so I buy a 12 pack of it. I normally drink Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi and I'm known to seek out soda fountains where I can mix the two in a giant cup but change is in the air!!!
Plus TAB is not made with Aspartame or NutraSweet or Splenda. TAB is made with a little carcinogen known as....wait for it.....
SACCHARINE! Now doesn't Saccharine sound French??? It sure does to me.
My friends here on Day #2 on The Dukan Diet the blood of Napoleon is beginning to flow in my veins.
I snack on some pot roast and feel the Little Emperor's power rising within me in the late afternoon. Curiously, I also feel like I'm running a low grade fever. No sh*t.
I honestly do start to feel like I'm on fire by the late afternoon on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet. I can't account for this aside the fact that I probably have ignited my metabolism to the point it's burning like all those oil fields were in Part 1 of the The Gulf War.
I eat some ham and wish it came with coffee.
Ham & Coffee. I write "Ham & Coffee" down on the back of a supermarket cash register receipt in case I die and slide it in my pocket. If I do die on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet at least somebody might profit from my big idea. That or the coroner might have a solid lead into my demise. I have a lot of BIG ideas on The Dukan Diet. This is probably because all my shitty American fat is incinerating before my eyes.
By dinner I don't give a f*ck about eating anymore so I drink some water, grab the bleach and the toilet brush and sit down with the new issue of Men's Health. Ashton Kutcher is on the cover with long hair and a beard. He looks like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp lives in Paris. All cool movie stars everywhere are turning French.
Anyway after leaving most of my insides behind and scrubbing the porcelain, I start to wonder if that Granola Chick (TM) Fern might have been way ahead of her time and was ON The Dukan Diet back in 1993? If so it could better explain the whole situation with the patchouli oils and all that stuff stinking up the joint.
If you go on this Dukan Diet you might consider a trip past Yankee Candle to see if they have anything scented. Heavily scented, crazy scented, like an open air market in Morocco or something. Then put that in your bathroom and keep it lit. Then keep the brush and bleach handy and you should be all good - for a couple of days anyway.
So yeah...you're wondering I know. What happened, right??
Well, the morning came and I showed and read a little bit more about that Ashton Kutcher situation and then I climbed back on the scale for another weigh in.
So it is the second day. And I have appropriately lost TWO POUNDS.
That makes now a total of NINE POUNDS in two days.
Day #3 awaits me, the smell of lean meats and egg whites conquering the AirWick in the bathroom...........
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