The All Protein Diary - 7 Pounds a Day & 7 Deadly DUKAN DIET Sins

So to tell you the truth I had never even heard of this damned thing The Dukan Diet before just now. But man I'm hearing all about it and nothing else these days. Oh you're not? I mean hearing about the diet? What do you live under a rock? You do? Well lucky, oh so lucky, for you because this blog right here is gonna lift that rock and change your life. I'm serious.


Okay that sounds a little over the top, but really. I'm just sayin'.


Anyway first things first. Hold your horses. Before you get all crazy and head over to Amazon to find The Dukan Diet first heed this advice: Don't rush out and buy this book just yet. Seriously. You don't wanna take a drive in this European import before you read this blog because in a major league feat of daring and derring-do I myself am about to GO ON THE DUKAN DIET!!!


I really am. And then I'll tell you all about it in more or less real time. I mean what more can you ask for? Seriously? Well whatever it is.....beyond going on this diet? You can't have it. C'mon, I don't even know you. I'm just sayin' that too. Let's get real.


I'd call this selfless act of full on protein insanity a public service but I'm not that clear headed right this moment. Know why?? Easy. That's because I'm actually already ON this crazy diet......and as I write these words right now I have to go and use the toilet.


Whoa! Be right back.


Wow. Okay, I'm back.


Fact #1: Get a toilet bowl brush when Dukaning.


So The Dukan Diet is this French thing which I'll get into in more detail in a second here. The thing you need to know right now is that this diet is tested and true and has been around forever. Or kinda like forever. Okay its been around like 9 years.




That's almost a decade. A decade? Really? That probably explains why I'm only just hearing about The Dukan Diet now though. I'm not on the cutting edge of sh*t like this - things take about a decade to germinate around here. U2 was in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before I even knew they existed. Well that's an overstatement. They were nominees. They hadn't technically been inducted yet.


Fact #2: Get a toilet cleaning emollient that contains bleach when Dukaning. No wait, check that - get straight bleach. And a chisel.


Anyway, the diet. That's what this is all about, right? That's why you're here? Yes.


So lets talk about it.


Word on the street is The Dukan Diet has been remarkably effective - which means its an exceptional way to torment and self-flagellate yourself in the name of weight loss which is frankly....AWESOME!!!


Tell me, who among us doesn't want to hear that it turns out can eat only pork chops in this life...and get that information for like $30 in one volume of a book? You may have no idea who doesn't wanna hear that news cause you haven't started this diet yet, but I know. Fools. Fools is who. Fools who don't know anything about anything. Fools who eat Oreos. Fools who do not know The Dukan Diet.


Pity the fools, as Mr. T would have said. Pity the fools. They are fat. They are weak. They have no willpower. They look lousy in power suits. They don't make much money. They are American, they buy supersize at WalMart and they are morbidly obese. Lo and behold the truth.




But I digress.


Fact #3: Only assholes eat things other than pure protein.




Here's some fun facts: The Dukan Diet has proven such an incredible way to torment yourself that Kate Middleton did it to get ready for her ROYAL WEDDING (TM) and now she's a PRINCESS (TM) so I'd call that a grand f*cking success. That's when you know you have a wicked awesome diet on your hands - when people start turning into f*cking PRINCESSES (TM) just by going on it. Not that I wanna be a PRINCE(TM) but I still consider that a major selling point.  Just hearing about all that ROYAL (TM) stuff made me know I was definitely gonna go on The Dukan Diet as a big ol' experiment. That's totally European. Which means it's cool. I even think that U2 band is from Europe someplace. Google it or something.


Anyway. Listen up you future Dukanistas and assembling ROYALS (TM). I bring glad tidings.


Fact #4: The Dukan Diet will probably make you ROYALTY!!!! (TM)


We already know The Dukan Diet is a wicked effective diet if you happen to be from France or you're a Princess but you're also crazy fat. Thing is, I don't think too many Princesses or people in France can actually claim that....you know, being fat? But that's how this whole thing started. Fat princesses and some guy in France. I think some guy in France also came up with penicillin, so the deal is this:


When the world has a medical emergency it ultimately turns to some French guy.


Which is a little confusing.


Aren't they always telling us that the French eat crusty bread with deep, rich exotic butters? Don't they suck down Merlot like I drink Diet Coke Big Gulps?  Aren't they the ones who couldn't give a shit about stress or the world's problems? They lured Johnny Depp in, right? Look at him now. He's all dark, dangerous and morose. Read: sexy. French sexy. Winona Ryder stayed in Los Angeles and became a kleptomaniac; Johnny Depp went to Paris a few decades ago and became a billionaire. Do the math.


The French are just as horrible as they are irresistibly sexy. There's a lesson there. Perhaps the Dukan Diet unlocks this previously bolted door. Consider it further.


Fact #5: The Dukan Diet will make you sexy. And French.


Isn't it required of every French citizen that they smoke filterless cigarettes? Maybe even roll their own?  Aren't the French universally famous for looking all dark and disheveled while sitting outdoors at some cafe table in a leafless December while staring longingly at literally anything - but most especially at their smoking hot mistresses?? Isn't everything in France grayscale and barren and sexy? Hell isn't Paris itself a place the world set aside so illicit lovers could have a location for gazing into each others eyes?


YES! IT IS! But the lovers are always.....tragically thin! See?? Brilliant. You can just see them now on their none-too-clandestine hook up. They're male and female, in black & white except for their cherry red scarfs tied in a European knot. Uh


Follow the logic here. The French?


They have mistresses.


They smoke - probably even in bed with their mistresses, they smoke. Usually they smoke after having mind blowing sex on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. That's because they don't care about productivity or work. They care about mistresses & sex & smoking & being in LOVE.


They drink wine and black coffee like they're about to outlaw it - which here in America we pretty much have.


The French all look like Johnny Depp or Natalie Portman. They are dark and fashionable and they won't look at you. Unless they're f*cking you (and you are the mister or the mistress) and in that case it's only in very good, muted lighting where your skin looks like porcelain and your skinny ass is in black and white.


See any time they talk about the French they always sound like such remarkably beautiful assholes. The kind of people who bleach their bung hatch but also won't shave an armpit or shower regularly just to spite their equally fabulous neighbors.


It is ALL true. But yo! They are French. They. Are. Thin!!


THAT is the point here. Americans by contrast are lead asses. Everyone here is on their way to the motorized cart in WalMart. Everyone in Paris is either coming from or going to their lovers stark apartment in a $2000 size "S" gray wool peacoat and ascending the narrow stairwell two steps at a time. While smoking.


Oh sure, French folks are assholes. But they're thin. And this is 2012.


So the French win.


That's how I'm taking it. I suggest you do too.


Fact #6: The Dukan Diet will upload all 7 deadly sins into your pathetic obsessive American life. All 7 deadly, delicious, sexy, Parisian sins.


So here we go. The Dukan Diet.


My Mom told me about this friend of hers who she ran into in the supermarket and she says excitedly: "You know my friend Clarice? (Author's Note: names have been changed to protect the emaciated.)


I tell her I do not know this Clarice woman.


"Yeah well Clarice. She's wicked skinny now," Mom says. "..wicked thin."


I can tell by the way Mom says this that this random lady has lost a staggering amount of weight, that she is in fact WICKED THIN.


"The Dunkin Diet," Mom says. "That's what she's on." My mom is 78. She's cute. "She's wicked thin, Maaaaak. I'm gonna try it...so can you pull it up on my Kindle?"


I think about this.


I know my Mom's hearing isn't exactly great at 78 and people in New England are completely bent on Dunkin Donuts -  but a Dunkin's Diet? Sheesus.


But then I start thinkin'. It's not far fetched...even makes sense. The idea that The Coffee and Donuts Only Diet could spring up outta Holbrook or Abington or Braintree is hardly shocking. It's practically been begging to happen. I mean everything is about making money these days. Wiping your ass could be profitable if you brand it right. Coffee and donuts?


There's a lot of Boston Teamsters that have been doin' that diet for years.


But after looking it up I realize this isn't The Dunkin Diet but The Dukan Diet. In two seconds here you're gonna thank me because I'm gonna save a tree and $30 worth of Barnes & Noble money for you. How? I'm gonna explain this diet to you free of charge.


Fact #7: No mattah how pissah it sounds, you caaaant lose weight eatin' Dunkins.


So remember back in whatever it was...the late 90's or something I guess? Remember how everybody was doing The Atkins Diet and going around eating bacon and pork rinds and every single person had the breath of a cheating girlfriend who just did the dashboard headbob on her lover before she came in the house???  Yeah THAT breath. That was a horrible diet. A horrible girlfriend too come to think of it.


Anyway on The Atkins Diet you had no problem figuring it out. You could eat any kind of protein there was - ham, steak, fish, clams....bacon. It wasn't exactly pleasant but it at least had the window dressing of being healthy. You couldn't eat bread or pasta or anything that went crunch in your mouth (aside pork rinds) but you were encouraged to eat veggies. So anyone who ever did this diet subsequently knows the insane cravings for say...asparagus...or dandelions growing along the driveway or the sweet taste of fresh mowed Kentucky Bluegrass on a public golf course.


This garden stuff wasn't exactly Nacho Cheese Doritos but when the cravings kicked in you at least had an outlet. Even so it wasn't long on Atkins before you started to feel like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" when he's going crazy to get inside a coconut for the water and the food. Later on he's emaciated and sick of coconuts. That was the principle of the diet. You'd get so sick of bacon you'd just stop eating it and suddenly a 1900 calorie a day diet became an 800 calorie a day diet. Theoretically this might work on a straight ahead Cape Cod Potato Chips Diet too. Anyhow it worked for Tom Hanks.


So now we covered that.


The Dukan Diet is even easier than that to explain. So easy in fact that I'm not even sure how it filled up two pages of text, let alone a book.  To explain it, lets use The Atkins Diet experience as a watermark.


Okay remember the pork rinds on Atkins? Those were kinda tasty once you got used to the idea of eating deep fried salted pork flesh for amusement. Pork rinds...mmmmm. Smiling.


Yeah, well this is Dukan so forget that. No pork rinds.


Well anyway you must remember the bacon??  The whole house smelling like Cracker Barrel on a Saturday night? Mmmm-hmmm! Atkins did SOMETHING right! Yeah....but this is The Dukan Diet. And this is 2012 - we're at the Mayan end times and you're going on a French diet at the same time the Euro is going buh-bye.


No bacon.


Well you definitely remember the asparagus cravings and the midnight drives to get broccoli and smothering it in real butter??? Oh my the elegance of that, right?? Yeah well that was 1991 and Kurt Cobain was alive and you were probably a lot less.....gainly. Plus Atkins was American. Dukan's first name is Pierre. Right, you guessed it.


No butter.


Worse still??


No veggies either.


WTF?????? That's what you're screaming right?? If you can't eat any of those things then what CAN you eat???


Easy. You will eat meat. Oh and fish. Or chicken. Some eggs. You'll also drink water. There's this oat bran pancake thing but why complicate issues at this point? Fact of the matter is you'll be living on PURE PROTEIN.


That's The Dukan Diet.


In a couple days I'll tell you how I lost NINE POUNDS in a two days.......