Monday, December 5, 2011

The All Protein Diary - 7 Pounds a Day & 7 Deadly DUKAN DIET Sins! DAY 1







DAY 1 - DUKAN DIVE IN!


So I put the above pictures there so you can get a rough idea of the kinda sh*t you're gonna be looking at (and shortly thereafter be getting sick of) if you decide to embark on a "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) on the Dukan Diet. I used the term "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) because that's what they always say on The Biggest Loser. I'm sure that if Bob Harper (the head trainer on The BL) ever saw this diet he would be giving somebody a karate chop in the neck or whatever but let's face it  - Bob Harper gets paid millions of dollars to transform morbidly obese Americans into the kinda people who can vacation in France.


Chances are very good that neither you or I are anywhere near that lucky...you know to get trained by millionaires or to be one? And we're definitely not already French or we wouldn't be in this dire predicament facing a tidal wave of protein. So do you just give up because you aren't French or a millionaire or famous or on NBC every Tuesday night? HELL NO!  You throw health out the window and go for the gold! It's time to buckle down, people!  Of COURSE this goddamn thing is unhealthy! It'll probably give you a heart attack. But it's European & French and it works and you wanna be sexy right?? Well then put that egg white in your pan and fry it.


I started out the first day with a lousy egg white omelet similar to the one you are looking at above. I tossed in some meat - ham or something, I can't remember - and Siracha hot sauce. The diet didn't say I could use that, but it didn't say I couldn't either. I'm Aquarian - I instantly start looking for ways to make even the already ridiculous even more so. So that was it. I also had coffee AND a Diet Coke. That part isn't especially unusual actually. I do that all the time even when I'm not on this thing.


Aquarian.


After breakfast I found myself circling around thinking about things that I might be able to eat. Expect this to happen almost immediately on The Dukan Diet. I call this phenomenon: "The Death of Reasoning." This is when your rational mind is just thinking about what you're doing and trying to mess with you so you'll stop doing it.


For example on a normal day if you just ate an omelette five minutes earlier you wouldn't immediately start thinking about "what else am I gonna eat??" Or would you? On this bullsh*t that's the first thought, the second thought and the third. The fourth thought is sex. Then it's back to: bagels and cream cheese, linguine with white clam, Pop Tarts, sex. After you cycle past Pop Tarts a few times you won't have to worry about sex as the fourth thought again.


The fourth thought then becomes steak and cheese sandwiches and bratwurst and maybe an amorphous, fleeing thought of a slutty business woman or something but nothing you could ever work with - the slut runs a catering business actually. Her specialty is hot kisses...Hershey's Kisses. And Boston Creme Pie. The horrid bitch - she makes me love her!


Don't give up after the first breakfast! Your mind is a wicked,wicked thing the first day on The Dukan Diet!! Just remember: at this point you're not remotely French! You're now an Uber-American, a participant in the Nathan's 4th of July Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest for crissakes. Resist!


For lunch there was some leftover pot roast, so I sliced into that and ate as much as I wanted. I didn't sit and eat it or take a lot of time thinking about it or anything. I just kinda slammed into it, drank some water and bolted...this suddenly became my strategy. I call this "Commando Eating." Don't forget - it was the French who got their asses handed to them in Vietnam before we ever even thought of it. I decided this was good karma....hit and run. Very French.


By the afternoon of Day #1, I have the thought that I should start smoking again, that I should buy a fuzzy parka at REI and move to Greenland for the winter and live in an igloo, that I should go for a run, that I should stop running, that I never ate as many sourdough pretzels as I could have, that there might still be time left here in my early 40's to become an astronaut or a professional surfer.


I snack on pot roast.


Ahhhhh. I think about the catering slut. She's pulling a red velvet cake from an industrial oven full of red velvet cakes. The smell is heavenly...nothing at all like a BBQ joint. Nothing at all like grilled chicken or egg whites or tilapia. She's pimping pure carbohydrate joy and right now I'm hers. Oh man! I try to think of something decidedly distasteful and American.


I try to conjure up railroad hobos. Instead I think of this:






Brilliant!! You should use this trick....it totally works!


I drank some water and went for a run and thought about Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon while listening to Elvis on the ipod. There were no thoughts of food at all in this time period nor did I think of the red cake catering vixen.


Instead when I got back I drank a lot of water and tried to think about nothing at all. Some luck. My stomach starts bitching like I was making it sit through a high school production of Les Miserables. I drank some more water and snacked on a little pot roast. Enduring such torture quietly makes me wonder if I should consider a living diving for sponges or some other horrible thing.


For dinner I had some kinda weird mix of those red dyed "seafood legs" or whatever they call them and also a chicken wing. I put the TV on some show or other but couldn't really focus on it at all.


Finally I took a couple of Benadryl and dove in bed hoping the damned day would just end already.


In the morning I showered and really incredulously mounted the scale. Earlier on morning of Day #2, I arose for a second not remembering that I had even done the Day #1 thing.


That was a nice moment. It left. I soon thought about how dry my mouth was and drank some more water.


Back on the scale I thought this will be a One Day Wonder project with no results and no reason to continue. I surely didn't feel any thinner.


And then I looked down.


Amazing.


"That CAN'T be right," I say to myself. I get off the scale and let it shut off. I get back on.


Same thing.


I have lost SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY. My 78 year old mother who has eaten some version of the same sh*t has lost FOUR POUNDS IN 24 HOURS.


Sainte putain merde!


Day #2 awaits.......


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