INTERNATIONAL PAT BENATAR DAY - FEBRUARY 16th

I'm working out how to make a link or like button or whatever you call it, but for now please accept this simple posting/link to the Facebook page establishing February 16th as INTERNATIONAL PAT BENATAR DAY.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/International-Pat-Benatar-Day-Feb-16th/150635251722896?ref=tn_tnmn

Please like the page and spread the word around. Pat Benatar thanks you ;)

Happy Tuesday from The Dukan Diet Santa!!

So even though I didn't post any earlier pictures of myself, this is me after a loss of 15 POUNDS on The Dukan Diet!!!

I look like a thinner Santa Claus and with a little a' Francais dark swagger on account of  the beanie and the leather coat. I'm getting all Europa see?? They hide it in the pork chops.

I'll have a new posting for you shortly!!

Happy Tuesday!

DAYS #3 and #4 - DUKAN DIET INSANITY RULES!

Well the fact of the matter is this my growing legion of Dukan Diet devotees:

Into every good dieters life there must needs be the crisis of conscience, the bifurcation in the roads heading to Goodville and Evilburg, the point you look at what you're doing and you think to yourself: "Seriously? Another slice of pot roast? Ohhhh freaking goody! But what is this now? No pot roast? To hell you say...another blasted egg and steak omelette? Ummm hey, you know what? Le F*CK THIS!!!!!"

At the sunrises of Day #3 & Day #4 on Le Diet Dukan my fever for the flavor of all proteins - steaks of distinction, pot roasts of passion, hams from heaven, culinary cutlets or god save us another helping of fuc*king imitation crab legs - was all but completely extinguished.

As I went into the kitchen on those mornings I really didn't know how to proceed. The thought of cooking up egg whites or some other kinda whatever...goddamn SteakUms (TM) or something was enough to steal my entire appetite away. Given the option of another morsel of meat or nothing at all and coffee, I was leaning toward a glass of ice water.

Let's put it this way:

If my appetite were like say...I dunno a person.  NO! Make that three people actually....yeah, three people in a crappy boat, Martha's Vineyard, 1977. Yeah that's the visual I'm looking for. Much better.

Well if my appetite were that, by now those three people would be Quint, Mister Hooper and Chief Brody. Chief Brody accompanied by Mister Hooper would be over there on the foredeck eating Doritos, chili con queso, maki sushi, drinking carb heavy Japanese beers like Asahi and well.....I?

I would be Quint, the old sea salt. Only by now I'd be FRENCH Quint...Le Quint. And Le Quint (metaphorically, it's really my appetite) Le Quint would be out in the back of the boat in the cheap seats looking out at - and then ultimately getting mowed alive by - some enormous, powerful shark that looks suspiciously like a red dyed spear of imitation crab.

Le Quint is on The Dukan Diet see? He hasn't eaten anything but protein so he isn't "hongry" but he is hollow eyed, ragged and thinning out. But "hongry" he is not. That's the magic of The Dukan Diet.

Anyway in this appetite suppressant of a vision instead of being called Jaws our crab leg killer is called Le Surimi!!!! (with the extra exclamation points to make it all weird, dark and French.)

In the following dramatization you have to use your imagination - the shark actually looks like a shark here and not a processed fake crab leg. Also Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider aren't out in the front of the boat eating Doritos.

But you get the point.

The guy - Le Quint - getting eaten there is a really good dramatization of Day #1 on The Dukan Diet actually. All that screaming and hollerin' and stuff is pretty much what it feels like to go pure protein initially. Kinda huge shocker to the system. The only difference I'd add is that I'd probably have him reaching for a toilet bowl brush about halfway though being devoured. That shark is in for a BIG aftertaste surprise!!!!

Anyhow "Le clip" there may seem a little gory to some folks but let's face it. I haven't eaten so much as one green pea in four days. It's Day #4 on The Dukan Diet and I now sharpen my incisors with a metal file before I brush my teeth in the morning.

So basically breakfast has become either an egg white with some kinda meat OR fat free cottage cheese. Prior to this I would have considered fat free cottage cheese about as desirable as a colonoscopy-a-day-for-a year but in the case of The Dukan Diet??? Man that stuff is just like a delicacy! Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby runs a distant second on the decadence meter lately. This diet will get you all screwed up. But you can probably save a fortune taking your kids out for a tub of cottage cheese next summer when the ice cream joints re-open. Word to the wise on that one.

I drink some ice water and a cup of coffee and slice a piece of steak off a cold slab of meat from the refrigerator.

This diet is CRAZY. After four days on The Dukan Diet I am experiencing dramatic swings of mood and energy - I'm no longer starving but I am having longer than fleeting periods of EUPHORIA.

I'm not sh*tting. I'm starting to get what Steve Jobs was on about all that time when he was doing fasts to induce weird states of creative energy and deep mysticism. Hell just like his thoughts on, I dunno...the iPod?? Brilliant! Why do people eat vegetables when there's all this Meat and Nirvana (TM). I can kinda beg off every salad in the world if I'm gonna be feeling like this!

Now on to some Dukan Diet notes:

I'm horny as hell about half the day at this point. Even completely horrid looking women in the supermarket look absolutely sublime to me now. Every moment of every day is like closing time at a country bar - there's nothing but beauty everywhere you look. Old sea hags look like Katy Perry - it's AWESOME!!! I'm deep into The Dukan Diet so could I say no to any woman these days? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

So knowing this is a Dukan Diet side effect I have one question: You think you could so much as force me eat even one spear of a carbohydrate assassin buzzkiller like asparagus? Blech.

Never my love.

I'm on a 60's love trip baby. I'm a pure protein rocket. Beyond the gates of carbohydrate lies the sweet spot......trust me. 


Now pass those delicious imitation crab legs, will ya' Love Muffin??


So for dinner both days I decided to go with this, which I know isn't even on the diet but what the hell it's nothing but protein and I figured by this point if it's meat then you can pretty much guarantee that it's protein. I suppose the fats and nitrites are bad for you but when you really get into this thing you almost don't care about nuances like that.

Like I said....this much raw meat is definitely inducing not just lower numbers on the scale but also a dramatically altered state of being.  I mean who would have thought THIS (pictured below) could make you lose weight AND SIMULTANEOUSLY make you go around ready to hump on old ladies from the Town Senior Center while they're shuffling off the short bus as it arrives at its group hairdresser appointment????

Oh my.

So never-you-mind that pill with the people in the bathtubs my friends. There is a REAL aphrodisiac and it has been penned by a French GIANT known as Le Pierre Dukan and lies hidden under an off green cover in your local public library.

And THIS is what you eat to get that altered state of thin, that never ending summer of permanent horniness :

Yes. Those are Angus hot dogs served on a bed of ketchup and drizzled with a demi glaze of yellow mustard.  Ahhhhhhhhh.

Listen I know hot dogs aren't good for you... I know that. But was THIS good for the hippies????

Methinks not.

I'm on Day #4 of The Dukan Diet.

Keep your hands off my stash of steaks dude.

So yes you wonder what the scale has said. I lost a half pound on each day for a total then of TEN POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS.

I'm ten pounds thinner, hornier than a sailor on shore leave, the hunger for...well FOODS has left me completely and I'm ready to look on Expedia for a flight to the Charles DeGaulle Airport. That's in gay Paris' my friend.

Day #5 of The Dukan Diet awaits...........

The All Protein Diary - Day 2 of Dukan Diet Fever!!

The All Protein Diary - Day 2 of Dukan Diet Fever!!

So just before I woke up on the morning of the second day on The Dukan Diet  I swear with god as my witness  I couldn't  get Deep Forest's "Marta's Song" outta my fu*king head. 

I haven't heard that song since I had bangs...and I'm bald. So we're talking at least two months. Alright screw you, like two decades. Whatever. 

But Deep Forest? I mean what the hell is that all about anyway? I'm being serious right now. Let's face facts here - just one solitary day into this Dukan Diet and nothing is right in the space/time continuum. I been eating pot roasts and lean meats and all this sh*t - I even caught myself snacking on a fake crab leg as if that were some kinda treat. But what the HELL is this all about now??? Deep Forest?? I'm dreaming about Deep Forest??

For those of you unfamiliar with Deep Forest they're some kinda weird band that Granola People (TM) were tripping out on back in the dark days before Avatar came out to let us take our environmentalism in cartoon colors with 3D glasses on while chowing down on a bucket of extra butter popcorn.

Oh no, no, no, no....non mon amie. Far from that Deep Forest was the real deal. They were the kinda thing - along with patchouli oil and tie dyed peasant skirts - that a guy had to put up with if he had a taste for sexy Granola Chicks (TM) back in 1992. 

Many is the fortyish man out there that had to endure Marta's Song or Freedom Cry scratching out on a cassette tape in the corner of the bedroom back in the day. Not his own bedroom mind you. It was the bedroom where "Fern" the Granola Chick (TM) with the intoxicating long blonde hair was perfecting the dual arts of growing arm pit hair and magical mushrooms. 

This girl's forbidden bed chamber was constructed on some kinda purposely odd alchemy - Fern, the Granola Chick (TM) clearly preferred existing under a musky cloud of aromas not known to stink up somebody's tent since TheThree Wise Men(TM - Holy Roman Catholic Church of France) were dropping off Frankincense and Myrr to a little non bebe parlant francais appele Jesus. 

Whatever. Since Fern was a NATURAL blonde, the unshaved leg hair had a tendency to be light and if you happened to eat any of her magical mushroom stash her golden armpit bushes could actually sing to you. Here's what they would sing:

RIGHT!!! OF COURSE Fern's armpits sang Deep Forest. What did you expect? You were trippin' out in a Granola Chick's (TM) MotherEarthArmpit bed chamber. If you think 1992 was all Nirvana and Pearl Jam guess again. 

Fact is most 90's cool guys don't even remember Kurt Cobain. They were too busy trippin' out on some Granola Chick's (TM) catastrophic beauty and getting dragged around to some lame Renaissance Faire in Santa Fe to really care who smelled like Teen Spirit. Sheezus everybody had long hair like the guy in Tears for Fears when he was sowing the seeds of love. It was a huge mess...people were eating carbs. Disaster. Trust me.

Anyway you can already see damned well where this is going. 

Deep Forest is a FRENCH BAND!!! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeezus!!! 

All this pot roast is almost instantly taking its toll in me if I'm waking up with that in my head.

Wikipedia says this:

Deep Forest is a musical group consisting of two French musicians, Michel Sanchez and Eric Mouquet. They compose a style of world music, sometimes called ethnic electronica, mixing ethnic with electronic sounds and dance beats or chillout beats. Their sound has been described as an "ethno-introspective ambient world music."[2] They were nominated for a Grammy Award in 1994 for Best World Music Album,[3] and in 1995 they won the Award for the album Boheme. The group also became World Music Awards Winner - French group with the highest 1995 world sales. Their albums have sold over 10 million copies.

Wikipedia can kiss my royal Irish ass. Deep Forest may very well be an "ethno-introspective ambient world music band with chillout beats." 

But I have my own addition to that. 

Thanks in large part to The Dukan Diet, Deep Forest are now also known as: The Pot Roast Singers (from France)

Just be prepared my friends! 

On Day #2 of The Dukan Diet the French will be fu*king with you more than they did the Nazis during the Occupation.

So for Day #2 breakfast I ate an egg and some water and some ham that I managed to swallow down with a cup of coffee. I even considered putting the ham IN the cup of coffee because normally I would have cream and sugar but now it's black and needs something. Meats seem to go with everything else on The Dukan Diet so I can see no reason why they wouldn't go with coffee.

I don't try it. But I definitely consider it. Ham & Coffee. 

Not exactly Ham & Cheese but it sounds dark and badass and very French and if my kidneys don't konk out before I get there, I'll probably give it a whirl at some point. Maybe I'll grind the ham up in the....CuisineArt. 

For lunch I eat a stick of imitation red dyed crab leg sh*t and I drink a TAB. I didn't even know that they made TAB anymore but I found it in the store and even the cans look the same as they did back in the 1970's so I buy a 12 pack of it. I normally drink Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi and I'm known to seek out soda fountains where I can mix the two in a giant cup but change is in the air!!! 

Plus TAB is not made with Aspartame or NutraSweet or Splenda. TAB is made with a little carcinogen known as....wait for it.....

SACCHARINE!  Now doesn't Saccharine sound French??? It sure does to me.

My friends here on Day #2 on The Dukan Diet the blood of Napoleon is beginning to flow in my veins.

I snack on some pot roast and feel the Little Emperor's power rising within me in the late afternoon. Curiously, I also feel like I'm running a low grade fever. No sh*t.  

I honestly do start to feel like I'm on fire by the late afternoon on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet. I can't account for this aside the fact that I probably have ignited my metabolism to the point it's burning like all those oil fields were in Part 1 of the The Gulf War.  

I eat some ham and wish it came with coffee. 

Ham & Coffee. I write "Ham & Coffee" down on the back of a supermarket cash register receipt in case I die and slide it in my pocket. If I do die on Day #2 of The Dukan Diet at least somebody might profit from my big idea. That or the coroner might have a solid lead into my demise. I have a lot of BIG ideas on The Dukan Diet. This is probably because all my shitty American fat is incinerating before my eyes. 

By dinner I don't give a f*ck about eating anymore so I drink some water, grab the bleach and the toilet brush and sit down with the new issue of Men's Health. Ashton Kutcher is on the cover with long hair and a beard. He looks like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp lives in Paris. All cool movie stars everywhere are turning French.

Anyway after leaving most of my insides behind and scrubbing the porcelain, I start to wonder if that Granola Chick (TM) Fern might have been way ahead of her time and was ON The Dukan Diet back in 1993?  If so it could better explain the whole situation with the patchouli oils and all that stuff stinking up the joint.

If you go on this Dukan Diet you might consider a trip past Yankee Candle to see if they have anything scented. Heavily scented, crazy scented, like an open air market in Morocco or something. Then put that in your bathroom and keep it lit. Then keep the brush and bleach handy and you should be all good  - for a couple of days anyway.

So yeah...you're wondering I know. What happened, right??

Well, the morning came and I showed and read a little bit more about that Ashton Kutcher situation and then I climbed back on the scale for another weigh in.

So it is the second day. And I have appropriately lost TWO POUNDS. 

That makes now a total of NINE POUNDS in two days. 

Day #3 awaits me, the smell of lean meats and egg whites conquering the AirWick in the bathroom...........

The All Protein Diary - 7 Pounds a Day & 7 Deadly DUKAN DIET Sins! DAY 1

DAY 1 - DUKAN DIVE IN!


So I put the above pictures there so you can get a rough idea of the kinda sh*t you're gonna be looking at (and shortly thereafter be getting sick of) if you decide to embark on a "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) on the Dukan Diet. I used the term "Weight Loss Journey"(TM) because that's what they always say on The Biggest Loser. I'm sure that if Bob Harper (the head trainer on The BL) ever saw this diet he would be giving somebody a karate chop in the neck or whatever but let's face it  - Bob Harper gets paid millions of dollars to transform morbidly obese Americans into the kinda people who can vacation in France.


Chances are very good that neither you or I are anywhere near that lucky...you know to get trained by millionaires or to be one? And we're definitely not already French or we wouldn't be in this dire predicament facing a tidal wave of protein. So do you just give up because you aren't French or a millionaire or famous or on NBC every Tuesday night? HELL NO!  You throw health out the window and go for the gold! It's time to buckle down, people!  Of COURSE this goddamn thing is unhealthy! It'll probably give you a heart attack. But it's European & French and it works and you wanna be sexy right?? Well then put that egg white in your pan and fry it.


I started out the first day with a lousy egg white omelet similar to the one you are looking at above. I tossed in some meat - ham or something, I can't remember - and Siracha hot sauce. The diet didn't say I could use that, but it didn't say I couldn't either. I'm Aquarian - I instantly start looking for ways to make even the already ridiculous even more so. So that was it. I also had coffee AND a Diet Coke. That part isn't especially unusual actually. I do that all the time even when I'm not on this thing.


Aquarian.


After breakfast I found myself circling around thinking about things that I might be able to eat. Expect this to happen almost immediately on The Dukan Diet. I call this phenomenon: "The Death of Reasoning." This is when your rational mind is just thinking about what you're doing and trying to mess with you so you'll stop doing it.


For example on a normal day if you just ate an omelette five minutes earlier you wouldn't immediately start thinking about "what else am I gonna eat??" Or would you? On this bullsh*t that's the first thought, the second thought and the third. The fourth thought is sex. Then it's back to: bagels and cream cheese, linguine with white clam, Pop Tarts, sex. After you cycle past Pop Tarts a few times you won't have to worry about sex as the fourth thought again.


The fourth thought then becomes steak and cheese sandwiches and bratwurst and maybe an amorphous, fleeing thought of a slutty business woman or something but nothing you could ever work with - the slut runs a catering business actually. Her specialty is hot kisses...Hershey's Kisses. And Boston Creme Pie. The horrid bitch - she makes me love her!


Don't give up after the first breakfast! Your mind is a wicked,wicked thing the first day on The Dukan Diet!! Just remember: at this point you're not remotely French! You're now an Uber-American, a participant in the Nathan's 4th of July Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest for crissakes. Resist!


For lunch there was some leftover pot roast, so I sliced into that and ate as much as I wanted. I didn't sit and eat it or take a lot of time thinking about it or anything. I just kinda slammed into it, drank some water and bolted...this suddenly became my strategy. I call this "Commando Eating." Don't forget - it was the French who got their asses handed to them in Vietnam before we ever even thought of it. I decided this was good karma....hit and run. Very French.


By the afternoon of Day #1, I have the thought that I should start smoking again, that I should buy a fuzzy parka at REI and move to Greenland for the winter and live in an igloo, that I should go for a run, that I should stop running, that I never ate as many sourdough pretzels as I could have, that there might still be time left here in my early 40's to become an astronaut or a professional surfer.


I snack on pot roast.


Ahhhhh. I think about the catering slut. She's pulling a red velvet cake from an industrial oven full of red velvet cakes. The smell is heavenly...nothing at all like a BBQ joint. Nothing at all like grilled chicken or egg whites or tilapia. She's pimping pure carbohydrate joy and right now I'm hers. Oh man! I try to think of something decidedly distasteful and American.


I try to conjure up railroad hobos. Instead I think of this:

Brilliant!! You should use this trick....it totally works!


I drank some water and went for a run and thought about Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon while listening to Elvis on the ipod. There were no thoughts of food at all in this time period nor did I think of the red cake catering vixen.


Instead when I got back I drank a lot of water and tried to think about nothing at all. Some luck. My stomach starts bitching like I was making it sit through a high school production of Les Miserables. I drank some more water and snacked on a little pot roast. Enduring such torture quietly makes me wonder if I should consider a living diving for sponges or some other horrible thing.


For dinner I had some kinda weird mix of those red dyed "seafood legs" or whatever they call them and also a chicken wing. I put the TV on some show or other but couldn't really focus on it at all.


Finally I took a couple of Benadryl and dove in bed hoping the damned day would just end already.


In the morning I showered and really incredulously mounted the scale. Earlier on morning of Day #2, I arose for a second not remembering that I had even done the Day #1 thing.


That was a nice moment. It left. I soon thought about how dry my mouth was and drank some more water.


Back on the scale I thought this will be a One Day Wonder project with no results and no reason to continue. I surely didn't feel any thinner.


And then I looked down.


Amazing.


"That CAN'T be right," I say to myself. I get off the scale and let it shut off. I get back on.


Same thing.


I have lost SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY. My 78 year old mother who has eaten some version of the same sh*t has lost FOUR POUNDS IN 24 HOURS.


Sainte putain merde!


Day #2 awaits.......

Go ahead...grab life by the "Mickey Murray" this holiday season!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Nimrod-ebook/dp/B0049U47M4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1323064925&sr=8-2

Protein Horror! Dinner #1: two eggs, roast beef,hot sauce